I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
