You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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