you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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