Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
