EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
