i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
