I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
tonight lets celebrate not being married
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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