I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My vagina just clenched in fear
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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