he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I enjoy the company of your penis
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
