So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He did a backflip because drugs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
