Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
