One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
