My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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