my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
