I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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