I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
