Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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