I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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