You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
