My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
