If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
