well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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