Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
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