i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
