You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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