is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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