I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
