I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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