Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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