Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
