I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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