I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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