Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
