I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
