Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
