I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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