glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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