I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
