I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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