im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
