gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
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I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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