We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
