How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
