my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
