Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
