He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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