the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
