i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
