He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What a dumb baby whore.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
