K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
