hotel room ftw
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
