i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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