i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
