He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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