Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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