I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
