How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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