if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just cut my nipple shaving
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
