Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
