just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
