I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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