this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
